changes
When people ask me how I’m doing, I always just say “I’m okay.” Idk the last time I actually felt okay. I am grieving a life I won’t get to live.
There are so many changes happening all at once. Change to my relationships, my health, my goals, my friendships. It’s making my head spin.
I’ve been enjoying escaping into the following worlds:
- Littlewood
- Cyberpunk 2077
- ARC Raiders
- Sonic Adventure 2
- REANIMAL
I rang the bell on radiation on March 2nd & it would’ve been a happy occasion had not for some recent events coming to past.
Despite the fact that I’ve rang all these bells, I’m still undergoing cancer treatment due to how aggressive my tumor was/is. I thought radiation would be the end of this chapter but I have several more years of intense hormone therapy to go.
I feel so betrayed by my body. Today, I tried to go for a walk around the neighborhood & didn’t last long before I had to stop & catch my breath. I pushed through the pain as much as I could but I felt like I was about to drop any moment. I miss working out. I miss being able to move my body & dance.
I can’t even twerk as long as I used to. I still wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I’m grieving friendships & having to reassess my goals. What is my North Star now that the one thing I deeply desire is so far from my reach?
I should spend more time doing the things I love like gaming, reading & creating. It’s hard to do when your body won’t cooperate. I still can’t hold my phone still sometimes & have to just set it down bc the bone pain is too much. 😟
I really sit here sometimes & be like “bruh wtf.” Sometimes I have to ask my husband to open my damn Olipop can bc my fingers are so weak or I’m having intense neuropathy.
My mom isn’t making this journey easy bc she has such steep expectations for me. I wish I could make her proud but I am even ashamed of myself at this point.
I would hate for my grandmother to see me right now.
Also this post was supposed to be celebrating a visit to see some family but unfortunately, that’s not at the front of my mind. I feel as though I’m being gaslit about what’s happening to me & around me & no one understands why I’m so heartbroken.
Thanks to those who’ve taken time out to sign my guestbook. I love the messages so much. I will reply eventually, I’ve just been so down that I don’t want that to flow into my responses.
100 Days to Offload - 10/100
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