um
Something awful happened this evening & I am feeling so useless.
I hate how my worth is so tied up in my ability to give or exert but I literally feel worthless rn bc I have nothing.
I wish I had an answer. I wish I had an algorithm. I wish I had a string of code I could plug into my brain to suddenly make it work right.
I’m so tired of this. It’s so heavy. It has always felt sooo heavy.
Now when I experience these awful emotions, they grip my entire body. I feel as if I’m being squeezed tight like a coke can going in the bin.
I wish I could slow down. I wish I could just think. The ever present noise in my mind is usually too loud to hear or arrange my thoughts.
Today, I laid eyes on one of the people I admire most in this world & began to over ruminate (lol) about how much I wish I could do what she does. She commands a room. She makes you straighten up your hat. Without a word, you will get right before she even has to remind you. I’m not saying I wish to command a room. I wish to command myself in that way.
Cheers, to learning how to think.